The title expresses my innermost feelings quite perfectly.
I’m so fucking scared. Scared of breaking down again. Scared of not being able to go to school and do my homework. Scared of ending up alone and lost.
I’m really… really terrified. The only thing saving me from drowning is music. Christ, I can’t live without it.
One: I haven’t heard from one of my friends in a while. I texted him. He didn’t text me back. The thing is: last time I checked he was still at the clinic. Of his own free will, of course. I just hope he didn’t do something stupid.
Two: And there’s this one guy who just… fucks me up. He’s a good friend, really. And…yeah. I guess I like him. But he’s miserable. And I don’t say it’s not important how he feels or something. But… I just feel lost. And I thought I could count on those who swore I were important to them. I mean… Seems like I can’t, but I wish it was different, you know.
Three: My nights are… awful. My nightmares get weirder and more violent every time I go to sleep. Meaning: if I can. I just don’t know where the hell these dreams come from. I mean… I’m not even able to read, so my fucked-up mind couldn’t possible make some scary shit like these nightmares up, could it? I don’t know.
Four: I’m lost. I’m really lost. Lost in myself. My life. I don’t know where the fuck I put the goddamn map of my freakin’ life. And I want to have it so BAD! I want to know what to do and where to go and what to change that my life becomes liveable again. What went wrong? What the heck went wrong?
I don’t fight, Borderline. You know that pretty damn well. But it’s hard. It’s so fucking hard I can’t even cry. I’d like to bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I can barely keep afloat. So I might drown.