That’s what I’m trying out right now – if it’s even possible.
Let me start at the beginning:
Macy (of course that’s not her real name) and I had known each other since kindergarten. We went to elementary together but we would only really become friends in high school (after two years of abusive friendships I had before). We’d do so much stuff together; go to concerts, work on school projects, go shopping etc. Some things we’d do alone, some things we’d do with our other friends. But we were fine, actually. Our friendship, I mean. I was already in therapy back then and her parents had recently gotten divorced so we were both suffering. But our friendsip was still great.
But there was something I did not like…which made all that followed so much harder: she was and still is an only-child. She was/is used to getting everything. Especially getting everything her way. That had always been a big problem for me, because I have two siblings and I know that getting what you want all the time is not how it works.
So when I had my first boyfriend a few months later and she started to distance herself from me, I confronted her about it and we had a major fight (which is a whole other story). But we overcame it and were back to friends again.
Until I transferred to another school.
At first, she did as she promised: that she’d call me and that we’d meet up and that she wouldn’t forget about me.
But that didn’t go well for long. She started seeing this guy and was all over him. She didn’t even have time for her other friends. I was disappointed.
Then she invited me to her birthday party. Where she was basically making out with her boyfriend all the time. I was pissed. And so was one of my close friends, who also happened to be one of her friends and who had transferred with me.
We went home at around 10 that night because we couldn’t take it anymore. There were a lot of guys and girls we didn’t know or didn’t like and it was overall just a pretty shitty night.
After that party it all went downhill.
We did not talk anymore and then we even had a little fight (where a lot of curse words were used) and I was just fed up.
But it was weight on my shoulders I just could not take.
So when my exams came up…I was like: “I cannot go into these orals being this down and sad. I need all my energy.”
So I got out my phone, texted her and asked if she was home. I then went over and apologized and explained everything and we made up. Everything was fine again.
But then we just…lost touch. We wouldn’t say hello when we saw each other while shopping, we would not _seem_ to recognize each other at all (like at birthday parties or something).
And now I’m sitting here, thinking: why did it go that wrong? What the heck happened? We loved each other so much. Is this it? Will I have to bear the pain of losing such a good friend for the rest of my life?
So I got thinking…maybe I should just write to her on (cliche!) facebook? So I went and searched for her this morning and…I found her.
I then went ahead and wrote something like…I’m sorry how everything ended between us and I’d just like to know how you are?
I guess being without her was a lot easier when I just put her where my old life was: in a freaking grave. That school had broken me and maybe that is why I put up with the weight of losing her. Because I thought I was actually better off. Like that school or … letting go of the (mentally) abusive friends I had. It turned out I was better off not going to said school or having these friends…but I never actually found out if I’m better off without her, too. I mean…I have two of the best friends EVER. It’s just…not knowing is what really kills me.
We’ll see how everything turns out.
I’ll keep you posted.