That humongous blog post I should’ve written months ago.

Hello lovely people!

I am BACK! Well…kinda. You all know how it is. One minute you feel great and the next you want to dive into oblivion. Mhm.

Anyway: this is the update I have been talking about for weeks and should have written about 6 months ago. (Yes, I’m exaggerating.)


As you know, my great-grandma passed away at the beginning of the year. At first I didn’t cry and then I cried a lot. And I really have to hold myself together (even now) because at the slightest, tiniest memory at the back of my head, I could just start crying. The funeral, of course, was no fun at all. My mascara was already running when we stopped to look at the urn and my parents said a little silent prayer. We then sat down…the waiting part was probably one of the worst parts. Seeing my relatives arrive and sit down, all dressed in black, as miserable as me and my family. Another awful part was the way the pastor talked about her. I mean…he wasn’t talking in a bad way, no, of course not. It wasn’t even the fact that he was using ‘God’ for everything…you know, as a reason. No, that didn’t even bother me, really. It was the fact that he was trying to make it sound like he knew her. That was probably the worst part. Mhm.

The weirdest part, though, was that I kept seeing things. The leaves of the tree in front of the windows outside the chapel kept forming ‘RIP’ and the spots on the stone lectern formed pictures of my grandma’s face. It was awful. I kept thinking…”that’s a sign of schizophrenia. Seeing things in non-existent patterns is a sign of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia. It’s a sign…” I know. I already know I have a form of Schizophrenia…but at that point in time it hurt more than ever. Don’t even know why.

And then the pastor started talking about my grandma’s life and mentioned the word ‘war’ and I immediately started crying more and more because I was crying for all the lost lives and hurt families.

Yeah. So that happened.

And then, about two weeks later, my aunt called and told my Dad that my grandfather (my Dad’s dad) was in hospital. Which, of course, made me cry immediately because, as you know, there has been a fight years ago and no talking and no mentioning of him and…it just hurt so much. So, so much. And when she called and…of course I couldn’t hear what she said on the phone, but I heard my Dad saying “well, he’s an old man”, I instantly knew what was going on and got so worried I started crying. My mom then gave me a hug and ensured me she would call my aunt and ask for more details.

A few days later my aunt called again and said that my grandfather was doing better, though still in hospital, and if we wanted to go visit him together. At that time my sister knew all about it as well and she wanted to come with us. (She hadn’t seen him since the fight. And actually coped a lot better than me.) While on the way to hospital, my grandfather called, saying he was already back home, having been discharged earlier this day. So we went and visited him. It was awesome. I hadn’t felt so free and unburdened in a long time. And my grandfather was so happy to see my sister again.

Some weeks later we actually took my brother to see them (grandfather and his …eh girlfriend? That sounds wrong…they’ve been together for more than 20 years.). Did I mention my brother didn’t even know he had another grandpa? Yes, well….That really is more than enough material for another post.

Anyway…we’re now finally ready. We can mention my grandpa at the dinner table again…and maybe we can push my dad in the right direction soon. Recovery is on its way. Finally. Let’s hope all goes well. I cannot live with this pain anymore.

Then, of course, there was Feaster, which went by smoothly. We had dinner with my other grandparents and exchanged gifts and yeah. It was fine.

Then, sometime last week, my brother got his leg stuck between the bars of our stair railing and my Dad had to cut him out with a small saw. Thank fuck we have wooden railings. 😀

Yeah, and yesterday Mom and me went shopping. I got myself some books- well, two. Have I told you about the two books a month rule my Mom restricted my addiction with? 🙂 I finally – and I have absolutely no freaking idea why I hadn’t gotten it before – bought the Hobbit by Tolkien, which is awesome, because it is the 75th anniversary edition of which I also have the LotR trilogy. 🙂 And I got A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness which I had had my eye on for quite some time.

So yeah.

That is it, for now. I think.

But I’ll come back soon with more weird dreams and something new.

Thank you so much for sticking with me through everything and for still reading. 🙂

Sending love to each and every one of you! 🙂


PS: I did NOT proof-read this. I cannot bear to look at it right now. So if you find something, sorry for disturbing the flow. I know it’s annoying to find mistakes and will proof-read the post when I can, I promise.


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