My 2013.

It’s not like a lot happened. And yet everything went by so fast.

My great-grandma passed away on January 4th. It’s been a long time since then. But I miss her still. I cried when we went to the Christmas market in town and saw that her apartment was dark. No lights. Of course. She’s not there anymore.

I visit her sometimes. Her grave, I mean. My great-grandpa’s there too. Though I don’t remember him very well (back when he was healthy still). He had Alzheimer’s, so I only ever remember him being…well…weird. But he’s been dead for years now, so it’s not as hard.

And knowing the pain of losing someone, I don’t want to lose anyone else now. But that’s the circle of life, I guess. Hard to deal with, though.

After that, not much happened, as I said.

Grandpa, Grandma.

I contacted one of my old friends, one who I’d had a fight with. We left everything in pieces, so it was awful and very strenuous to even write a ‘hello’. She’s at university now and has also grown, so we get along these days. Not back where we were, but it’s okay. I don’t even know if we can go back. And if I want to. We’ll see.

I started another round of therapy. And it was my decision.

I finally started talking about all the things I never talked about. My eating habits. (Which basically equals ‘eating disorder’. But we’ll leave it like that.) Self harm. All the other stuff. Not being able to breathe. Nightmares. Insomnia. Nausea. Simply being disgusted by myself and the world.

Grandpa, Grandma.

I started studying again. I didn’t last long.

I tried to work on my fanfiction stuff. Didn’t last long neither.

I broke down. It was bad this time. I felt like my brain was not in my head anymore. I couldn’t think. And it felt like my body was shutting down. I had no energy.

And I kept having an upset stomach. Thanks to everything I so gratefully did to my body. (Insert sarcasm here.)

But then I slowly figured out what I could (literally!) stomach. And what not to do.

Picked myself up again. Friends and family helped a lot.

Turned 21.

Grandpa, Grandma.

Was grateful to still be alive. Thought about the fact that I didn’t think I’d get this old. Many many times.

Fell down again.

Not that hard. But still painful.

Tried to find a solution to get back into the working world. Found out the solution I was so happy I had found wouldn’t work for me.

Panic.

Attacks.

Started studying again in fear of completely losing everything.

Stopped pretty soon after.

Burned out.

Grandpa, Grandma.

Found out my cousin was experiencing depression. Got really sad.

Wanted to hug the world.

Got picked up again. Family and friends.

Got stuck somewhere in September.

Saw MARS in November. Felt at home with all the other Echelon. Out of this world.

Saw PLACEBO. November, too. Up in space. Was amazing.

Depression took hold of me. I clung to the stars. Night air. Learning to breathe all over again.

Every day.

Struggling.

Time warp.

Now I’m here.

 

I’m okay. Somehow. I’m going to see one of my best friends on Thursday. And Mel – finally – on Sunday! Yes.

And my family is healthy.

 

I’m grateful. In a way I can’t put into words.

To my family. My friends.

And of course to everyone reading my blog. I know you’re there.

And I’m glad I’m still here.

 

It’s not been bad. Not great, either.

So let’s drink to a new start. (I don’t actually drink. It’s alcohol-free “champagne” for kids.) A new leaf to turn over. A new story to be written.

Maybe I’ll actually start writing a story. My story.

But I’m definitely going to start telling it.

 

Be kind to one another.

May you find PEACE AND LOVE to light up your way through life.

 

 

 

 

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