The food issue, kinda. (trigger warning, just to make sure)

It’s one of these days again where everything sounds absolutely disgusting. Food, I mean.
It’s not like the idea of food in general that grosses me out or the idea of eating, though that has happened before, but no. It’s the food itself and the combinations of said food.

And it also really doesn’t help when people (my mother) tell me that the fridge is full and there’s tons of stuff on the shelves in the basement.
Just makes it worse, really. To know that it’s there, but not for you.

Ugh.

Only typing these words makes me more sick.
Last week I was preparing dinner for myself and I’m halfway through chopping.. Suddenly I feel so sick.. The ingredients just absolutely disgusted me. I had to actually leave the kitchen and ask my parents to clean up because I couldn’t do it. I could not bring myself to throw it away or pack it up to put in the fridge.

Ugh.

Sometimes I go down into the basement and sit in front of all the food and just cry.

I just.. It’s not like I can’t think of new food combinations or new recipes or anything.. I do. My brain works round the clock thinking about things like that. And I do read a lot of cook books and I do actually find a lot of it really appealing and try-worthy, but then I think of the things I’d need and things we don’t have on hand. Which makes it all worse. Because I don’t have the money and I could ask my parents but I don’t want to be a bigger burden than I already am and that thought makes me even sicker and I just want to eat nothing and cry.

Like right now,  for example. I’ve been thinking about what I could eat for an hour now and nothing seems just a little bit.. Well, not gross. Something that I might be able to eat without throwing up, you know?
And I’m telling you right now,  if I finally find something there for sure won’t be enough of one ingredient or some ingredient we might not have on hand that we always have and it messes everything up and I just want to give up and not eat anything.

Today is so bad that even my “go to-bad day-backups” like spaghetti or pizza sound absolutely disgusting and I’m sitting here crying because I know I have to eat but can’t. And what can I do? Nothing. If I go downstairs, my mother will just bombard me with food ideas and I will just get even sicker and probably not eat until tomorrow evening again and I should and I know I should but…

I gotta go.

Sorry.

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