Collapsing.

Life is stressful these days.

One would think it’d gotten better after I bought a new laptop, considering I’m not going crazy, waiting for the old one to work properly.

Somehow life fucked me over anyway.

Last Thursday, after less than a week of owning the new laptop (!!), it told me to do an update, which I did, then re-booted and voilà, wifi adapter wasn’t working anymore. Like…at all. No wifi connections available whatsoever. At this point I’m already freaking out. It was the middle of the night, of course. So I decide to hook it up to the router via LAN, which I have to go into the basement for. Which is not the problem, but it’s freezing down there and I had no idea if it was even going to work.

The night before, to make you understand, I had barely slept 2 hours. And then I had to get up and drive my sister to a meet-up for school, 40 minutes away from here. And I couldn’t drive home again, because that’d be a waste of gas. So I took my aunt with me and we went shopping. ‘Shopping’. We bought maybe 5 things in total and it didn’t even take 3 hours until we were able to pick up my sister and go home. But I was exhausted.

So sitting in the cold basement, trying to fix what was wrong with my computer, wasn’t really helping. Eventually it became clear that I couldn’t fix the problem, so I packed up and went upstairs. At this point, I’m tired and anxious and panicking and sick to my stomach. I had just bought this thing, I kept wondering. This cannot be happening.

I barely made it up the stairs into the living-room. It seemed like I couldn’t breathe air fast enough and my heart was racing. That didn’t really worry me at that time, though, since all of my meds can cause that and I had experienced it before. I was just thinking about going to the bathroom and then getting in bed.

Didn’t happen like I planned, though.

Because on my way to the bathroom, I started experiencing dizziness. And more nausea. Which always freaks me out because I hate throwing up. While I’m sitting down to pee (sorry for tmi), it gets worse. Which isn’t that good of a sign, since I wasn’t doing anything strenuous anymore, like walking. I decide to run cold water over my wrists, which sometimes helps with dizziness.

Not this time.

Done in the bathroom, all I can think of is: “I need to put up my feet. Lie down and put up my feet. Need to get to the living-room.”

It was a great idea, but the execution of said idea didn’t go that well. I could barely walk, the dizziness was getting worse, I was seeing black from time to time and all I could hear was this rushing sound in my ears. Meanwhile, the 8 steps to the living room seem like 8000 steps. Finally, I reach the living room, try to grab the door handle to hold myself up – and miss. I fall against the door, bang my head (and my ear!) and fall to the floor.

I don’t know how long I was on the floor and if I blacked out or couldn’t see…I just remember thinking that my heart was beating much too fast and I had this weird feeling in my chest and I couldn’t breathe properly and the floor was so cold and that this wasn’t a good thing at all. Couldn’t even call for help, I was so miserable. When I came to again…was back completely, my heart was still beating too fast and I was still dizzy and I kept thinking that I have to get my heartrate down again, so I kept lying there.

I was fucking terrified.

But then my ear started hurting from the bang and I took that as I sign that something in my body was working properly again, turned over onto my back, and using my hands, pull myself over the floor to the sofa to put my legs up. That took a lot of effort, even though it was probably half a meter, and I got dizzy again. But I didn’t feel like someone was sitting on my chest anymore, so I called for my Mum. Who, of course, was panicking, because it doesn’t happen often that one of us calls in the middle of the night and it usually means something is seriously wrong.

At this point I’m so absolutely done (like a steak), that I care more about my Mum worrying, than worrying about myself and am calling up the stairs. “I’m on the floor, don’t get upset!”

She was obviously still upset, me being not okay and all that, but since she works in a doctor’s office and deals with a hell of a lot more serious stuff sometimes, she got it under control real fast. She sat me up, gave me something to drink and then got my dad to come and help her get me on the sofa. Checked my pulse. Checked my bloodpressure. Everything.

I was still fucking scared though. I was fucking close to an ambulance ride. Which made it all the more scary and terrifying. And being on the other end. You know…not helping someone, but needing help?

Holy shit, guys. Close call.

Mum said it was probably exhaustion, paired with not enough rest and food.

I slept downstairs that night. Couldn’t even walk. Let alone get up the stairs. Mum helped me upstairs and into my bed in the morning. And I slept till 4 in the afternoon.

Then I got up and got my computer fixed. (Thankfully.)

Scary.

Fucking scary.

Aside from that, I’m planning on starting NaNo tomorrow. I know I’m like…2 weeks behind, but I’m not writing a novel anyway, just challenging myself to translate, so I guess it doesn’t really count anyway?

And my sister is getting a tattoo tomorrow. Which upsets me, for some reason. Maybe it’s because she is younger than me? Maybe I feel like I should get some of the experiences in life first. Sounds stupid, though. Because it’s not a competition. But it has happened before. When I saw that girl I went to school with, same age, with a baby and a husband. Which I definitely don’t want right now, (honestly, I don’t think I could deal!), but for some reason I wanted to reach that goal first. Considering she’s a whiny, nosey, bitchy thing with no training in nothing and I like to think that I’m a halfway decent person.

But (getting back to my sister) I also want something to go wrong. Which sounds freaking evil on my part. And not decent at all. Maybe it’s because she gets all high and mighty about the things she does and the decisions she makes and yet barely anything ever goes wrong. She never has to deal with consequences. Maybe it’s that. Maybe it irks me that even when she makes bad decisions and something goes bad for a little while, she still comes out on top. Which is, I guess, what makes her feel so high and mighty about herself. She has this weird attitude…it’s almost like she thinks no one knows life as well as she does. And she just turned 18 three weeks ago. Like…what? Where does she get this damn arrogance from?

I mean…yes, life has thrown a lot of shit at me and there are some things that I know a lot of and about, but I couldn’t possibly know everything. It’s like she asks for people’s opinions and then says: yeah well, what the hell do you know, leave me alone, who asked you?

Maybe I just want something to come along to yank her off her high horse.

I mean…I don’t want her to get seriously hurt or anything. And I honestly don’t care what she puts on her body. I want tattoos myself. I might not agree with whatever it is, but it’s none of my business anyway. It’s just…I want her to feel regret for something. That something turns out really freaking bad because she didn’t listen or didn’t think about consequences.

So I guess I’m a bad person?

Sigh.

I don’t even know.

One of my best friends came for a visit on Saturday..that was awesome. 🙂 We had so much fun.

Oh, and my rabbit seems to be feeling better, too. Maybe I just scared her that one day. Could have been a cat in the garden, too.

I’m off now. Thanks for reading.

Appreciate it a lot. 🙂

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