Fresh air. And being human.

Hello, beautiful people.

I’m sitting here, writing this post, with the window open and the fresh air is absolutely amazing. Especially for someone who has trouble breathing, sometimes, the cold night air is a beautiful thing. It calms me.

This is supposed to be an update, or a bad excuse for it, because the past few days went by in a blur of trying to fall asleep and having horrific nightmares.

But it’s the time in between that matters, right? So I’ve been trying very hard to make it count and do more of what I love.

There was quite a bit of anger involved in my life in the last week, due to customer service people who didn’t give a shit. And I’m not even talking about people on a phone, in a call center somewhere, no, actual real life people standing in front of me, throwing shade and giving me attitude. I don’t really need that, you know. But I ranted on twitter (quite a lot actually, so if you follow me there, I’m really sorry), and it’s better now. Music helped, too. It always helps.

I also went to therapy. It was fine, really. I haven’t known my therapist for that long, though, so it’s all a bit new still. Actually, it might change again, in the near future. Because she told me, upon learning that I often flee into languages (English, in particular), that her colleague was perfectly fluent in English and might be able to start therapy with me – in English, that is. She thought it was really interesting I have such a deep connection to it and suggested it was worth a try. Her words were, I think, “it might be a different starting point. You have been doing this for such a long time now, a different view would be nice. And I guess it would be nice to be in a situation where you could say what you thought.” So I said yes, and to please ask him about it. I don’t have an answer yet, I have to email him tomorrow about it, but it’s worth a try, right?

So yeah.

I’ve also been getting lost in more and more fanfiction again. It’s an absolutely beautiful world. (By the way, don’t tell me that’s for children and you’re not into it. Because if that’s the case, you haven’t found the right world yet, so go look instead of talking down to me. :)) There was a bit of a disappointment, when I found out some work I’d had my eyes on had already been translated. I felt like I had lost that race without having the chance to run. But then I realized what I was actually saddened by was the fact how much time I lose with this stupid illness I carry around with me. It robs me of time. Days, weeks, months. This time, I was robbed of more than two years. TWO YEARS. I cried a lot the night I found out about the stories.

And then I talked to my friend Mel and she always knows what to say, even when she doesn’t. Love. A funny thing.

Yeah. And then I almost fainted again. Fuck. Scary. It wasn’t as bad as last time and I knew how to read the signs, so I immediately let myself fall to the floor so I wouldn’t pass out and then fall. Unfortunately for me, it happened in the bathroom and as I then found out, voices don’t carry up the stairs from in there. Kinda wished I’d had my phone with me so I could’ve called my parents, but after actually screaming, they eventually heard me. I slept almost 14 hours that night. No weird dreams either. Nightmares, yes. Nothing weird, though. Would really actually prefer not fainting, though.

I’m pretty sure it’s from the exhaustion of not being able to sleep, but I think I’ll have my heart checked out too, just in case my medication is causing something to completely freak it out.

Now I’m off to watch some more of the MARVEL movies. I’m trying to catch up on what’s happening. Recently watched Thor, and loved it, then wanted to watch the second one and something was not quite right. Apparently you’re supposed to watch in order, if you really want to get it. So I started with The Incredible Hulk. And what do you know…Tony Stark shows up. But I’m sure you already know since I’m approximately 6 years behind. Guess what, though? I’m sitting here, planning which movies to watch next, marking Iron Man 2 and Captain America and then go downstairs to find out, Captain America’s on TV this evening. It’s the German version though, so…naw.

And then I look down to realize I’m wearing my Joker shirt.

The ridiculousness of life.

Certified insanity.

Thanks for reading. Be kind to each other.

– the writer.


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