I have often written blog posts that started with me typing the words “I’m back” and “sorry for going AWOL” and “I promise to try harder next time” and I am just not having it anymore.
Here’s why: I feel really guilty whenever the plans to “try harder next time” fall through. Because I do, in fact, try really hard to get blog posts up. I have concepts in my head almost all of the time and when I “promise to try harder”, which is mostly a promise to myself anyway, I feel guilty and stupid for even making that promise. You see, this blog is primarily for myself. All the promises I make are for myself. And I fail horribly all the time. Promises I make to others are the ones I keep.
But I’m stopping now. Because you know what? This type of “going AWOL” and “coming back” has been happening for a while now. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues since I was twelve years old and that’s how long this stuff has been happening for. And I am sick of apologizing to myself. Life has been kicking me with steel-capped boots lately and yet here I am, beating myself up even more. You know what that does? Nothing. It just makes me feel even worse.
I mean…you guys and my family and my friends already know that sometimes I can work really freaking hard and I get shit done and sometimes…I just can’t. I know that as well. But that information usually gets buried under huge amounts of guilt.
And I’m not doing that anymore, as I decided when I began typing this blog post with my customary “I’m back, guys. Sorry for disappearing”. I have nothing to apologize for. Not for this and not to myself, either.
I had to leave and then I came back. It happens all the time and never ever without reason.
So, here I am.
I am fine, I guess. By the way. Just having a hard time at the moment.