It scares me a bit. A lot, actually. That so much time has passed and yet…
I’m not sure what to say. I miss her. Still. Always.
It scares me a bit. A lot, actually. That so much time has passed and yet…
I’m not sure what to say. I miss her. Still. Always.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now and I’m still not entirely sure what to say. Please bear with me while I try to figure this out.
It’s been 6 months since Lucky died. I can’t quite believe it’s been this long. It has gone by incredibly fast and incredibly slow at the same time.
I remember all the details very, very clearly. Maybe that’s because I actually remember. And maybe that’s because I had a very clear vision of how it would happen. That sounds barmy, I know. But I did, for some reason.
When I found out that Goldie (my sister’s rabbit and my rabbit’s sister) had passed away, I knew exactly what fate would befall Lucky. Whether I actually knew or I simply guessed because I’m fantastic at expecting the worst, I don’t know. But I did know how it would happen and it turned out to be so very real.
When Goldie died, it was during the early morning hours. She was not in pain, her heart simply stopped.
I knew right then that Lucky’s passing would be completely different. Maybe my brain was simply suggesting that it would be the opposite, because the rabbits were opposites in every way. Or maybe my brain went immediately to the most extreme outcome. I don’t know.
Goldie and Lucky were a surprise. Not completely, of course, we knew we were getting rabbits, but when we visited the breeder for the first time, we didn’t know that we’d be able to take them home with us already. We thought we’d choose ours and go and get them a week later or so. But the breeder, he was a really nice man and took care of his animals beautifully, said they were already good to go (not nursing anymore and standing on their own four feet), so we took them home.
I don’t remember ever having been so sure of a choice I made. Not before I chose Lucky and not after. It was love at first sight. She was so tiny (the runt of her litter) and so fluffy and so beautiful. I’d never seen her coloring in a rabbit before (they call it blue), only ever the typical black-and-white and tan ones. Obviously, she wasn’t actually blue, but had this lovely dark grey fur that was just the softest thing I’d ever touched. And she’d gotten some of her dad’s Lionhead genes, because she had a little tuft between the ears.
For the first week, we kept them in a big laundry basket, because Dad hadn’t finished building the hutch yet. But when it was done, they moved in and lived happily ever after. They truly did.
We’d thought we’d have to separate them eventually, because they’d fight, but they never did. They’d bitch at each other, but real fights never broke out (and they can get vicious, as we saw with the little ladies later on). They literally lived together their whole lives. Well, almost.
Which is why I thought, when Goldie died, Lucky would follow soon after. I thought she’d miss her and wither away without her. And Lucky did miss her sister. I know that. I saw her sniffing and looking. And I remember how miserable she was when Goldie was sick and had to be kept inside under supervision and we didn’t know if she’d make it through the night. I remember how miserable Lucky was then and that we actually had to take her inside as well so she could be with her sister. Which is why I was worried about her when Goldie died.
But Lucky lived on and did her sister proud. She grew older and older still. Her fur started losing it’s original color and began turning light brown in places. She went blind, one eye first, then the other. But that did not stop her either. She went deaf at the very end. Even that could not faze her.
So it was quite horrible to always have that vision, that premonition of how her death might come to pass. And in the end it was way worse than what I’d imagined.
Some people say it’s good not to know when your pet will die, because you’ll never live with the fear. Some people say it’s good to know when your pet will die, because you can prepare yourself. But as someone who has experienced both, I can honestly say that it’s never easier, one way or the other. It’s never less painful or less of a shock.
When Goldie died, I saw this image…this image of someone going to check on the rabbits and coming back saying that Lucky didn’t look so good, that she was barely moving. It was getting darker outside in that image, so I always thought it would happen in winter. Which I mused would be great because Lucky would have been around to see another summer. One more time in the green grass.
On December 16th, around 5 pm, my brother went to check on our rabbits and he came back worried. He said Lucky, who was always more of a scaredy rabbit and moving around a lot, even when she was already blind, was just sitting there and not moving at all. And that is when I knew. I immediately started crying; just like I am right now, typing this.
My Dad said he’d go look at her and he did. He did not come back. I went out to see her myself and he said her breathing was very labored. He actually didn’t need to tell me this, because I knew. I simply knew. I took her from him and my knees buckled and almost gave out. She had lost weight and was way too light.
I knew the time had come to keep the promise I’d made to her the very first time I’d seen and held her. The promise to keep her safe, to keep her away from harm and to never let her feel pain or distress. I told her it was okay and to not worry about me.
And then we took our very last trip.
Whether you believe what I did was right or wrong, I do not care about. I firmly stand by my decision. I did right by her and that is what counts. She took her very last breath with me there, by her side.
We buried her in a beautiful, handmade little casket, in a shadowy corner in the garden, next to her sister. Laid down flowers and lit candles.
I’ll often sit with her, just like I did when she was still hopping around. I’ll talk to her, sometimes. And sometimes I’ll simply be there, in the moment. And remember my beautiful girl.
Brought her flowers today. They were blue-ish roses and the most extraordinary of all of them. I thought they fit perfectly.
The worst part, I think, is that I’ll never feel or smell her again. Sometimes, when it’s really bad and grief is a real pain, I’ll cuddle Minnie, who, as you might know, came along right before Lucky passed. And she’ll sit there and let me, almost as if she knows, because she’s really not that much of a cuddler. And then I’ll sit there and cry.
The crying has gotten better, I think. I’ve never really dealt with grief before, at least not at this level and I was surprised at what it brought along. In the beginning I was crying every day. And then at random moments. I’d just break out into tears.
And the anger.
I already deal with anger issues, but I’ve never felt it like this. I didn’t even realize this was caused by grief until I watched someone’s video about what grief feels like to them and that’s when it hit me.
The anger has gotten better as well, I think. I don’t feel so unstable anymore.
It’s still painful, obviously. But after almost twelve years together, that’s to be expected, I believe. And warranted.
We recently renovated their graves, so to speak, and made their little resting place into a beautiful stone garden. I’m currently looking for a way to engrave stone, so I can make her a little headstone, or something like that. And I’m on the hunt for a 4-leaf-clover plant. Because, as you probably know, they’re lucky.
There’s this song that I heard on one of my favorite shows. I played it at her funeral. It’s called Fare Thee Well (Dink’s Song) by Oscar Isaac and Marcus Mumford.
<< …I remember one night, a drizzling rain
Round my heart I felt an achin’ pain
Fare thee well, oh honey, fare thee well… >>
It fits, I think.
It’s been six months. I can’t believe it’s been six months.
1. How old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?
Probably 5 or 6 years.
2. Did you buy Girl Scout cookies this year? If so, what variety?
No. We don’t have any Girl Scouts around here, let alone Girl Scouts who sell cookies.
3. Do you know how to ballroom dance?
No. A few years back I wanted to sign up for lessons, but then I got sick and missed the date. After that I really didn’t want to learn it anymore. Some day, maybe.
4. Were you a responsible child/teenager?
Occasionally people would call me responsible. I never got detention, got good grades, studied hard, never drank alcohol, never smoked. But it’s all just a facade, really. No one of the people who see me like that really know me. So they don’t actually get to have a say in this, right?
5. How many of this year’s Oscar-nominated movies did you see?
I have no idea. I don’t even know which movies had been nominated. Or didn’t the Oscars take place yet?
6. If you’re going to have a medical procedure done, such as having blood drawn, is it easier for you to watch someone else having the procedure done or have it done yourself?
I don’t care in the least bit. My Mom works at a doctor’s office and my sister’s always had a lot of accidents (like falling down a flight of stairs when she was 1 or 2), so I have seen a lot. Broken bones, wounds, scars, ripped off nails, you name it. And I also like to watch documentaries on medical procedures and surgeries and stuff. Call me weird. xD
7. What is your favorite day of the week and why?
I don’t have one. Depends on how I feel and how everything’s going etc.
8. Do you miss anyone right now?
9. Do hospitals make you queasy?
It’s not the hospital, the institution, itself. It’s the memories that make me want to stay away from them.
10. At which store would you like to max-out your credit card?
I do not have a credit card, so I can’t max-out one, can I? But I’d probably buy a book with the last cents I have (instead of something to eat).
11. Are you true to the brand names of products/items?
I don’t give a fuck about the name that’s on the product as long as it works the way I want it to. If the ‘brand’ works better (for me, that is), then I’ll take a bit more money and buy that and if the ‘discount’ product works better, then I’ll save money buying that. I got a good balance figured out, I think.
12. Which is more difficult: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when he/she is telling you how he/she feels?
I am not afraid of eye contact – at all. It’s the feelings that scare the fuck out of me. o.O
What was the last thing you put in your mouth? – Chocolate. No, wait. Water.
Can you play Guitar Hero? – No, I have never tried it. And I’d like to keep it that way. Leave the guitar to the heroes.
How late did you stay up last night and why? – 12:30 am, I think. Because I couldn’t sleep.
If you could move somewhere else, would you? – Yes.
Have you ever been kissed under fireworks? – No. And right now, I don’t think I want to.
Do you believe ex’s can be friends? – Yes. Takes a whole lot of work, but yes.
When was the last time you cried really hard? – I think two weeks ago. Mhm.
What items could you not go without during the day? – Music. My phone. My meds.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? – My Grammy.
How do you feel about your life right now? – No comment.
If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find? – Not much. Mostly because I hate facebook and only use it to check on news of bands I like.
Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? – If you test me for crack or meth or something, yes. If you test for medication in general, no.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before? – Yes. But I’m actually far from it.
What song is stuck in your head? – What you want by Evanescence.
Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m.: who do you want it to be? – Ron, Fred and George Weasley in their flying Ford.
Do you think too much or too little? – Much too much.
Where are your feet right now? – Under me as I’m sitting cross-legged.
Do you believe in fairy tales? – Believe is a strong word. I think there is some truth in them and that’s what I ‘believe’ in.
Do you like pickles? – NO! Yuck.
Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? – No. I don’t have to do that cause I treasure my CDs.
What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? – 4 years.
Have you ever been on a blind date? – Yes. It was horrible.
Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? – Yes! I’ve known my best friend for about 15 years now. (Hey C!)
Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them? – No, unless they’ve had unprotected sex in the past.
Are you a good tipper? – Depends on the service, but if I was satisfied with the waiter/waitress I usually leave a good tip.
What’s the most you have spent for a haircut? – About 60 €, but it was for a special event.
Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? – No.
Have you ever peed in public? – No.
What song do you want played at your funeral? – The Apocalyptica cover of Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica.
Would you tell your parents if you were gay? – Hmm. I think I’m the kind of gal that’d just bring home her girlfriend. But right now I’m the Q of the LGBTQ community.
What would your last meal be before getting executed? – Valium? No, seriously: if I were to be executed, I’d have to have killed a person or something and that is (usually) not a possibility. I am, however, currently living in Germany, where the death penalty is not on the menu anymore.
Do you walk around the house naked? – I sure have done so in the past, although it was only because I had forgotten to bring clothes in the bathroom with me. But I generally don’t do it and I don’t do it for the sake of doing so.
What do you do as soon as you walk in the house? – I put my purse on the stairs, hang up my keys, greet the people who are in and then I’ll take my purse, go to my room and get out of my jeans etc and get into comfy clothes.
Who is the person you can count on the most? – That is a very difficult question. I’ll answer when I have figured it out.
What did you dream last night? – I don’t know anymore. Probably something confusing.
Have you ever been in love? – Yes.
Do you sing in the shower? – No.
What is your favorite Holiday? – New Year’s. And Halloween. (Although it’s not a very big one in Germany.)
Would you ever get plastic surgery? – I’m thinking about getting my nose corrected cause I have a deviated septum (or whatever it’s called) which makes it kinda hard to breathe through my nose. I would’t rule out reconstructive plastic surgery either. But in the sense of getting my boobs done or something…I don’t think so. I haven’t gotten to terms with my body yet, so I wouldn’t say no right now, but I’m not thinking about it.
Have you ever caught a fish? – With my bare hands. It was in an artificial pond (or something like that) though.
What is your favorite lunch meat? – I don’t eat meat.
Do you still have your tonsils? – Yes.
What is your favorite cereal? – I really like these little choco balls. Or Smacks. Or frosted flakes. But I like oatmeal with a bit of sugar, cocoa and milk best.
Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? – Yes, because I love my Chucks.
What is your favorite ice cream? – Chocolate chocolate-chip with chocolate sauce and hot raspberries. (But I’m lactose-intolerant and have to take pills whenever I want to eat ice cream, so I’m not having it very often.)
What is the first thing you notice about people? – Their size (probably because I am not very tall), male/female, shape (although I really don’t care).
What book are you reading now? – JK Rowling’s HP and the Goblet of Fire (I’m always reading one of the series). A book about drawing/painting techniques. Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray (also an all-time favorite). And I wanted to start a book by Marc Levy.
What is the farthest you’ve been from home? – Mallorca. London.
How did you meet your spouse? – Not in a relationship right now.
Where was the last place you drove (other than home/school/work)? – To the place where I work out at.
Since I’ve been rather absent in the past few weeks, and not really ready to talk about that yet, I’ve decided to update the blog a bit more. I think it’s a good opportunity to get back into blogging as well.
To start things off, I’m going to update the Random Question pages. They went live about 5 years ago and I think it’d be really cool to update them every once in a while to keep track of how my answers change. To keep everything in order, I’ll post the old questions as regular blog posts, and update the pages with the new answers.
Thank you for reading, as always.
I’d like to cut my body open with a sharp knife. Not to hurt myself, not even subconsciously, but to relieve this awful tension that seems to have crept into my skin and crawled into my bones.
It does not let up, nor let go, ever. It keeps on crashing down on me, going on forever.
Do not worry about me, though. I would never succumb to the craving to carve myself open. Even though everything I can see in my mind is that very picture.
But no matter how deep the wounds turned out to be, there would be no relief.
And that nothing can be done is the real tragedy.
Fame is a very good thing to have in the house, but cash is more convenient. – Louisa May Alcott