Hello 2018.

I’ve tried writing this post for months now and still, it feels like barely any time has gone by.

I’m not sure where this is going to go, so bear with me, please.


My last post went up in December, marking the one year anniversary of Lucky’s death. There wasn’t a lot going on here before that and also nothing afterward. And there are a few reasons for that.

In September, I started seeing a new therapist. After years of waiting, I had finally found someone who had a spot open for me and it’s been going great, actually. I’m going once a week which definitely helps to keep myself in check, especially after I went off my meds sometime last year. Therapy has been really helpful in tackling things head-on and I’m so grateful that I live in a country where I don’t have to pay out of pocket for my healthcare.

Anyways…it’s been going well. There is obviously a lot of work involved and there have been days where I left the office with a tear-stained face and had to take a breather in the car because I was just so done. But then again, I’m not new to any of this, am I? I’d been expecting it, even. All in all…yeah, it’s going well, I’m happy to report.

I’ve been feeling more in control of myself and my thoughts and my body. Which, if you’ve ever felt apart from yourself, somehow distanced or cut off, is a great thing, I tell you.

However, there has also been some sad news.

At the end of October, we got a call that my grandfather had collapsed at work, had been transported to the hospital and was now in emergency surgery. (If you follow me on Twitter, you might have heard about this already.) Now, I won’t get into too much detail, because I 1. want to respect his privacy and 2. am aware that loads of people get triggered by medical things and I really don’t want to be the cause of anybody’s suffering. (Let alone my own because I, too, have trauma that connects to hospitals.)

So, to keep it short and simple, I’m just going to mention the word “brain bleed” and let you come to your own conclusions.

Grandpa passed away peacefully and without pain at the beginning of February, on his birthday, which almost feels like fate, really. It still shook the whole family, though. Especially since we had just lost someone on my mother’s side barely two weeks before Grandpa went into the hospital.

And it’s hard, you know? Because there’s this divide, in me. Because I’m so torn between being relieved that Gramps had been taken care of so beautifully by the people at the hospitals and the hospice, being thankful that he’s not suffering anymore and grieving the memories that will never be made now.

You know, I’d never seriously considered getting married before. I’d never seriously considered having children before. But now, that I know for a fact he won’t be there, I realize that he really, actually won’t be there if I do decide to do those things one day. And that just really hurts. It hurts so much that I can barely breathe sometimes.

Unfortunately, as it is often the case, there was some unpleasantness within the family due to disagreements with funeral arrangements. In the end, Grandpa did get the funeral he wanted, but I wish it could have gone a lot smoother and without the screaming beforehand.

The funeral was, even if it sounds morbid, beautiful. He was buried under a huge tree in the forest on a cold but sunny day. And I’m not usually one for signs or you know, the universe talking, but there was this one duck from the nearby pond, I’d assume, who just would not shut up. It definitely felt like Grandpa, trying people to stop talking and get on with it. In all honesty, the funeral felt so peaceful that I didn’t shed even one tear. Not because I wasn’t sad or grieving because I was. Still am. But because it felt right, somehowThere was a certain strength in knowing that this was exactly what he wanted, how he wanted it. There was a lot of love, too. And I was wearing one of the flannel shirts he’d given me, which made me feel very safe. I felt like I could breathe.

Yeah, well.

My friends are amazing, too, have I mentioned that yet? I love them so much I actually want to cry from all the emotion. They have been so incredibly helpful during this time and just in general, really. They are absolutely fantastic.

Aside from that, I’ve been writing a lot more, which is definitely a personal accomplishment. I’ve also been dealing with some chronic pain issues for which I’ve yet to find a solution or a cure or a temporary off-switch.
And I went to a job interview which is something that I didn’t even think possible a couple years back. Unfortunately, nothing has come of it so far (that could change) but I keep on keeping on.

And I think that’s the most important part.


All my love to you, my dear readers, for sticking with me. May you find some light in your life that keeps you going.



Quick Quotes #211

You go to bed every night thinking that you’ve written the most brilliant passage ever done, which somehow the next day you realize is sheer drivel.  – Tom Wolfe

blogtober [1] |The one where I answer 25 questions|

I want to start off Blogtober with a Tag. That’s basically a list of questions that I answer, for your entertainment. And also because a lot of you don’t really know me and I want to give you a chance to get to know me a bit better.

I found these questions by searching for ’25 questions tag list’ and came across this blog first >> geekyblogging.tumblr.com. I do not know if she was the one who created it, but she didn’t specify, so (for the time being) I’m crediting her.

Let’s go!

Question 1: do you have any pets?
Yes! We have three rabbits. I love them dearly. There’s Lucky, the oldest. She’s my little lady. Then there’s Schneewittchen (Snow White), the youngest. And her sister, Schneeflöckchen (snowflake). We also used to have Goldie, who was the oldest, but she died in March.

Question 2: name three things that are physically close to you.
A plant pot with two little cacti, my wallet and some bank forms/statements. Also a load of other crap that doesn’t even belong on my desk.

Question 3: what’s the weather like right now?
It’s dark (night, duh). There’s no rain, sadly, but a bit of wind.

Question 4: do you drive? If so, have you crashed?
I do drive, yes. Took me a damn long time to get my license so I’m not stopping any time soon. I’ve lived through a few things in my short life as a driver, but I’ve never really crashed. I was once almost run off the road, though, by a lady who was completely ignoring my right of way and drove right into the driver’s side of my car. Does that count as crashing? Or is that more of an accident?

Question 5: what time did you wake up this morning?
3.30 in the afternoon.

Question 6: when was the last time you showered?
Uh…my understanding of time is messed up right now, so…yesterday, I think.

Question 7: what was the last movie that you saw?
Guardians of the Galaxy. It was really, really good, too. But I watched that online. The last thing I saw at the cinema was…The Imitation Game, I think. It was fantastic.

Question 8: what does your last text message say?
Probably something along the lines of ‘okay’. Let me check real quick. Ha! It says ‘yes’.

Question 9: what is your ringtone?
My ringtone is just one of the generic samsung ones, because no one calls me because I hate calls and I tell people not to. However, and this is the important one: my notification/message tone is ‘Welcome to London’, something I downloaded from Sherlockology. It was created by Aled and I love it.

Question 10: have you ever been to a different country?
Yes, but not that many. I’ve been to Mallorca, which I hated. But I’ve been to England, which I loved. (On the drive to England we passed through France and Belgium, do they count?)

Question 11: do you like sushi?
I’m incredibly terrified of salmonella poisoning because my brother caught it when he was really young, so I try to stay away from raw fish etc, but I have had salmon nigiri and salmon maki, which were both good. In the end, I’m probably not going to have any more sushi though. Salmonella poisoning is horrifying.

Question 12: where do you buy your groceries?
At the supermarket. Sometimes when we have the time, even from the farmer’s market or greengrocer’s.

Question 13: have you ever taken any medication to help you fall asleep faster?
All the freaking time, baby.

Question 14: how many siblings do you have?
Two. A sister, 4 years younger than me, and a brother, 14 years younger.

Question 15: do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Laptop. With all the carrying around I do, a desktop computer would get annoying fast.

Question 16: how old will you be turning on your next birthday?
24. What. Even.

Question 17: do you wear contacts or glasses?
Glasses. I’ve thought about contacts before but my doctor says it wouldn’t make sense. So I’m saving that money.

Question 18: do you colour your hair?
Yes. I’m actually blonde. Currently a redhead though. And loving it. Not going back any time soon.

Question 19: tell me something you are planning to do today.
Considering the fact that it’s 11 pm, there’s not much I _can_ do, soooo….watch Netflix?

Question 20: when was the last time you cried?
Yesterday. There was this one episode of the show I’m watching, that really tugged at my heart. Or painfully tore it out and then put it back in. Whatever you prefer.

Question 21: what is your perfect pizza topping?
Hmmm. Tomato sauce, cheese, mushrooms. Or tomato sauce, parmigiano and rocket (also called arugula).

Question 22: which do you prefer, hamburger or cheeseburger?
Neither. Don’t like burgers, don’t think I ever will.

Question 23: have you ever had an all-nighter?
Sure. Have indeed lost count of them.

Question 24: what is your eye colour?
A greyish blue, maybe? That’s what I had them put on my ID, anyway.

Question 25: can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke?
Heck yeah. I used to love Coke more, but nowadays I don’t think it tastes the same anymore. I guess they changed something? Or maybe I’m remembering wrong. I don’t like either now. I’d usually go for MezzoMix (which is like a mix of coke and orange lemonade, I guess) or Sprite/7Up.

And there we are. I hope you enjoyed it (at least a tiny little bit). See you soon! 🙂




Hello lovely people.

In the past few days of little to no sleep, I’ve noticed that I’m barely doing anything I enjoy these days. I’m watching this one TV show that I really love (and constantly tweet about, sorry) but aside from that…there isn’t much else.

And I decided that that’s no good.

So, since Halloweentober started a few days ago, I came to the conclusion that maybe I should blog more and participate in something that a lot of people are doing this month: Vlogtober. Or in my case, Blogtober.

I can’t do much these days as I’m still recovering from a nasty cough and cold with no sleep to help, so I’m starting to do the things I can do sitting down.

Also…I hope to form this Blogtober thing into something of a habit. Because blogging is fun and helps me process my thoughts.

Since we’re already a few days into October I thought I would catch up by posting a few quotes for every day that I missed, but then also do some sort of Tag, answering questions. I think that’s always quite fun to read.

Well, let’s get this show on the road, shall we?