I’ve tried writing this post for months now and still, it feels like barely any time has gone by.
I’m not sure where this is going to go, so bear with me, please.
My last post went up in December, marking the one year anniversary of Lucky’s death. There wasn’t a lot going on here before that and also nothing afterward. And there are a few reasons for that.
In September, I started seeing a new therapist. After years of waiting, I had finally found someone who had a spot open for me and it’s been going great, actually. I’m going once a week which definitely helps to keep myself in check, especially after I went off my meds sometime last year. Therapy has been really helpful in tackling things head-on and I’m so grateful that I live in a country where I don’t have to pay out of pocket for my healthcare.
Anyways…it’s been going well. There is obviously a lot of work involved and there have been days where I left the office with a tear-stained face and had to take a breather in the car because I was just so done. But then again, I’m not new to any of this, am I? I’d been expecting it, even. All in all…yeah, it’s going well, I’m happy to report.
I’ve been feeling more in control of myself and my thoughts and my body. Which, if you’ve ever felt apart from yourself, somehow distanced or cut off, is a great thing, I tell you.
However, there has also been some sad news.
At the end of October, we got a call that my grandfather had collapsed at work, had been transported to the hospital and was now in emergency surgery. (If you follow me on Twitter, you might have heard about this already.) Now, I won’t get into too much detail, because I 1. want to respect his privacy and 2. am aware that loads of people get triggered by medical things and I really don’t want to be the cause of anybody’s suffering. (Let alone my own because I, too, have trauma that connects to hospitals.)
So, to keep it short and simple, I’m just going to mention the word “brain bleed” and let you come to your own conclusions.
Grandpa passed away peacefully and without pain at the beginning of February, on his birthday, which almost feels like fate, really. It still shook the whole family, though. Especially since we had just lost someone on my mother’s side barely two weeks before Grandpa went into the hospital.
And it’s hard, you know? Because there’s this divide, in me. Because I’m so torn between being relieved that Gramps had been taken care of so beautifully by the people at the hospitals and the hospice, being thankful that he’s not suffering anymore and grieving the memories that will never be made now.
You know, I’d never seriously considered getting married before. I’d never seriously considered having children before. But now, that I know for a fact he won’t be there, I realize that he really, actually won’t be there if I do decide to do those things one day. And that just really hurts. It hurts so much that I can barely breathe sometimes.
Unfortunately, as it is often the case, there was some unpleasantness within the family due to disagreements with funeral arrangements. In the end, Grandpa did get the funeral he wanted, but I wish it could have gone a lot smoother and without the screaming beforehand.
The funeral was, even if it sounds morbid, beautiful. He was buried under a huge tree in the forest on a cold but sunny day. And I’m not usually one for signs or you know, the universe talking, but there was this one duck from the nearby pond, I’d assume, who just would not shut up. It definitely felt like Grandpa, trying people to stop talking and get on with it. In all honesty, the funeral felt so peaceful that I didn’t shed even one tear. Not because I wasn’t sad or grieving because I was. Still am. But because it felt right, somehow. There was a certain strength in knowing that this was exactly what he wanted, how he wanted it. There was a lot of love, too. And I was wearing one of the flannel shirts he’d given me, which made me feel very safe. I felt like I could breathe.
My friends are amazing, too, have I mentioned that yet? I love them so much I actually want to cry from all the emotion. They have been so incredibly helpful during this time and just in general, really. They are absolutely fantastic.
Aside from that, I’ve been writing a lot more, which is definitely a personal accomplishment. I’ve also been dealing with some chronic pain issues for which I’ve yet to find a solution or a cure or a temporary off-switch.
And I went to a job interview which is something that I didn’t even think possible a couple years back. Unfortunately, nothing has come of it so far (that could change) but I keep on keeping on.
And I think that’s the most important part.
All my love to you, my dear readers, for sticking with me. May you find some light in your life that keeps you going.