cw/tw: loss, grief
My cat passed a few days ago. And now there’s a hole in my heart and my life.
Actually, there are holes all over the place. Everywhere.
I know grief. Deep, painful sorrow. But this feels like a whole new level of it. Because my cat, my handsome boy, was everywhere. Is everywhere.
I had to spend a couple days at my parents’ place because I couldn’t bear to be at home and be oh, so very aware of all the places that I wouldn’t see or hear him. And all the little things will really fuck you up. The grief made me tired so I tried – and often succeeded in – not being awake when it would’ve been his food or medication time. But it’s the things that you’re unaware of that will squeeze your throat and your heart. The things that you say or do before your brain can even compute that it’s not necessary anymore.
Like when I sat down to write this. I had taken my laptop to my parents’ house but not touched it in days, instead opting for my mobile phone. Consciously? Subconsciously? I don’t know. But once I’d set up my laptop, connected the keyboard and sat down, my first instinct was to tell him “you’re not supposed to sit there” because my boy, like cats do, loved walking across and sitting on my keyboard.
And there it was. That red-hot pain instead of the cold, creeping one.
It’s the silence that will get you.
The Way to Wonderland is paved with Madness. 